19.Evils continued...

Happy Independence Day folks...the most important day of our life happened when most of us weren't even born..but that does not reduce its importance.So as we all celebrate Independence Day let us also learn to respect it..

The three evils of our life give us a lot to think about...but in life when we think of freedom , independence..its also about emotional freedom as much as it is about political freedom.
It happens a lot that we never gain emotional freedom...

Our mind and thoughts and feelings are controlled by others ...that is by how others make us feel.

Take my case for example...hmm...I must not let any "stranger"!! control how I feel...well..nobody should....

Each one of us has a beautiful mind and an intelligent brain..we shud think and feel ourselves...there will be many others who will want to make us feel bad..but our heart and head are all ours so we shud atleast try to control our own feelings and not give someone else the reins of the chariot..
So folks..here's to emotional freedom..lets fight for it.!!!!

18.The 3 evils ;)

The other day I kept thinking about destiny , coincidences and our willpower.It went like this...
1. I do not know what destiny has in store for me..I never will and maybe I should not..coz dats how life works.If we probably know our destiny we would be lazy wimps who do not struggle or work for anything in life.

2. The coincidences dat happen wid me..abt ..ahem..u know...well how do i know what they mean..They are one of life's greatest mysteries.There is a chance dat they might just be happening and also there is a good enough possibility that these instances are trying to tell me something...I do not know..But its really sweet when they happen..feels like God is dere wid me..

3. Now..about willpower..there is a thing about this dat separates it from the above 2..dat it is solely in our control.Faith can move mountains so if we have faith in ourselves I am sure we can bring about a positive change in our destinies...hmmm..bored kya already..well just wanted to share these thoughts...

But for our day to day lives..i believe dat a simple smile works wonders..it not only makes us happy but makes others smile too :)

17.Studies and destinies

I had a lot of pending work to be done , a lot of backlog.So, I spread out all my books on the bed...closed my eyes and picked out one...it turned out to be the one from the class I attended with him..well, I silently cursed myself...as if despite me keeping my eyes closed destiny was telling me not to let go...

it was as if.. the choice wasnt mine..but the choice had been made...haha...and I thought that I was the creator of my own destiny...

So I decided to play another game..I closed my eyes again..closed the book and opened it...and no prizes for guessing which page opened...yeah..the one from those first days..I just started laughing... "is bimari ki to koi dawa hi nahi thi.." it was as if I cud run but cud not escape or hide...

I had just heard about..'kanoon ke lambe haath'..but even my emotions had hands that controlled even my surroundings..haha...

16.Back home

After what seemed like a fun but long day in office , I was on my way home.The traffic seemed dense again , time went by pretty slow , I opened my book and began reading it in the bus...It seemed like the most interesting thing happening right now!!

On the station I met an old friend , she complimented my dress and said it was looking great...well..the irony of it all..!! I smiled at her and went my way.

Reached home...literally dropped my bag on the floor..sat in my chair and just took in a deep breath.It dawned on me that I was maybe a fool...looking for satisfaction from a mirage..from an idea which may just be the opposite of reality..too much philosophy na??!!... :)

I decided to at least try to put the past behind...like I cud!!..well.no harm in trying!!...had my dinner and opened my books to finally do something constructive...

15.Withdrawal Symptoms

It was over , the excitement , the nervousness , the sense of anticipation and Iwasn't exactly glad that it was..!! Yeah..I sound like a loser..do I??!!Well, it was fun though...almost like a child waiting for an ice-cream and then realising dat the store isnt open today..hmm

I went back to my workstation , did my work, my concentration levels were amazing.I was glad that it happened the way it did...any other way and it would have been just too good to be true and I wudnt have believed it either and pinched myself to death realising it...haha

After work ,all of us decided to visit an ice-cream parlour and i had this most amazing chocolate sundae..I had a really nice time...we hung out,had loads of fun..just roamed about for some time..
the good mood was back again thanx to the chocolate and..I had my ice-cream after all..!!

14.Milke bhi hum na mile....

Finally , it was D-day.I woke up..full of hope..was unnecessarily smiling all thru the morning.Cudnt concentrate on tea or breakfast..was totally khalayon mein...

Got ready for work , wore my fave dress.Edged my way thru crowds , but somehow it was different today..didnt mind the crowds , the traffic didnt bug me..the commute didnt bother me...it went smoothly.

Reached office on time..cudnt wait to meet..'u know who'. Just then my senior walked in . I was suddenly out from my trance.An excruciating hour later we were to go see the bosses.Those new people were also expected dere...I almost heard my heart beat in my throat...

Stepped into the office where they sat..spotted the newcomers...the person in question!!!..had his back towards me.We were going to be introduced to them...My senior called out his name...

He turned....my heart almost did a back flip..and my thoughts went 'What!!..it cant be.who is dis....it cant be..the world seemed to disappear' With utmost effort I stood my ground..met them , all of them..my brain didn't register a single thing....

It was him but not him...it was somebody named 'u know who' but not 'u know who'.....

13.Office on my mind?!!

Reached office a little late , bad traffic as usual.Had dozed off in the bus listening to some soothing tunes...was ready to take on the work.

Opened for the day , saw developments from yesterday.Went to see my seniors after the morning session.There was a buzz in the office about new people joining..everybody was excited.Of course .. I mean..seniors are happy when new juniors join na..We kept on debating on who must've taken their interview , how will they be et al...

Back to my station..made a few calls to my colleagues ....my senior made a sudden appearence..
She came and told me ..this new guy from out of towm is joining office..his name is...hold ur wits..."u know who" !!!
What the h**k I thought to myself....

I was too shocked to even react.I asked her again..who exactly is joining office??!! I was just stunned..sort of frozen..she said that he will join tomorrow and we will meet him...I just cudnt believe it..wow!! , I thought.
Just could not wait for tomorrow...was flying..felt like I was high or something :) ...

12.Visions and Illusions

Was travelling by bus the other day , 9 in the morning, the bus was totally packed..the AC was whizzing at the loudest decibel possible, looking out of the window observing..life....Just then like a flash of lightning something hit me unexpectedly..(is it a plane ..is it a bird..no its....superman..hehe)

I thought I saw someone there, saw 'u know who'..or I thought so.It was already late for office.Total dilemma..shud I get off and see or shud I just let go...is this God's gift or just an illusion.Tried to get a better view ..almost got up from my place..was totally restless , and unsure of what to do next..hell..never been like dis before!!

So, I reasoned it out with myself...maybe its him..maybe its not !!
If I get off either i see him and say what..Hi , how r u...during rush hour...in the morning??that wud've been so stupid!!

And if I get off and dont meet him or if its not him , then , first of all make a complete fool of myself going after who cud be an axe murderer.. ;) and..get fired in office for getting late .

So it was a lose-lose situation..haha..common sense prevailed ...I plugged in the MP3 , closed my eyes and drifted off to the neverland of 'what cud have been'..haha

11.Broken Hopes

Things happen, things dont
they hurt me,you, they wont
'tis a war, 'tis a crime
'tis a sound divine

Listen to it , before its too late
Before u give up , and surrender to hate
before u wither, before the world ends
make an effort , isnt it human to mend?

10.Troublemaker

What do u do wid a person u like..but s/he always falls short of your expectations?That is..they sometime surprise you wid attention and care but other times they are just too curt widout any reason.

It is very difficult to go on forgiving someone forever , but the distance makes you give them the benefit of doubt for every stupid and unbecoming behaviour of theirs.

But u cant help but wonder if it is something else or a very apparent character flaw....

Then the best policy is to bide your time till something happens that takes you to either forgiveness or doom.

9.Musings

Well, coming back to my story...I sort of tried to avoid any contact with him.But something or the other kept on happening that used to take me back to the starting point.

Despite everything , I cannot get over the notion that he seems a really good person.Somehow I cannot get over that feeling that he is genuine.I mean wen someone has hurt me so much...how can he be nice??
Maybe i am just unbelievably stupid...haha!!!

8.Ray of hope

A ray of hope on a cloudy noon

Here comes the sunshine,like a yellow bloom

Cheering us like a warm smile

Saving us from the frowns of gloom

7.Past Imperfect??

Sometimes when we think about what we did in the past, how we acted and also reacted, we may find ourselves at fault and blame us for our misery.We have to realise that what we did in the past was the best thing we could have done in those circumstances,instead of blaming ourselves for it now.

As it is, what is done is done , we must learn to respect our past decisions and move on , as well as learn from any mistakes that we feel we committed.

Just playing the blame game does not help us!!

6.The Perfect Dream

My thoughts strayed , going where they believed even an iota of happiness existed.
I thought of what the ideal situation could have been...like rewinding and playing as you like it...Here's how I pictured it....

First day of college,Iwalk into class.The day goes well,I meet my old friends...catch up with them and also make new ones...

Then next day, I hear "the voice"(mentioned as tV henceforth ;) ).Ifind out who he is.I look at him and he smiles back....yeah...on that day itself..haha..
Well, on the third day tV comes to my desk to ask if he can also sit there.....then I will say that the place is already taken....wishful thinking...Then tV will beg me to adjust and well, I just might..you know :).

Well then , we become friends...get to know each other ...and well leave the rest to fate..let me not get ahead of myself!!

5.Feelings

Thinking about such stuff really hurt...It is pretty natural that it hurt.Still I thought I should be in better control of my emotions.I had to keep it to myself all the time.I mean , whom could I tell beside a few select friends , right??! I mean others would surely take me to be some kind of psycho...being so sad for nothing(i call it nothing as it really wasnt anything if u come to think of it,practically ;( ) and all.

This seemed to touch something in me that had not stirred before.It was a reaction which was letting my emotions fly out of control.It was weird because usually I am pretty much in control of what I feel.Well,well, there is always a first time,right?!!

So I went through the notions of God's injustice, unfairness and all.This sort of set me thinking , God can not be unfair,can he??Well if he was fair why did I not feel so?What was going wrong?Was I out of tune with the ways of the world or was it just what everybody goes through?Whatever it was ,it was very difficult and unbelievably tough.

Like they say,it hurt so much..it actually physically hurt.

4.Thoughts

Well,life can be difficult sometimes.I spoke to my friends about my situation and as usual they had interesting insights to give.Some who found him good looking(he was ok ,i thought,not mirror cracking material though ;) ) gave him a benefit of doubt saying that he was the shy seedha sadha type...but hey guys..who is these days!!

Some other friends had even more interesting theories to give,like,he is a vampire...yeah..right..trying to live in this world full of humans,he is some wronged lover,who is scarred for life or he is some person with psychic powers who can see the future only if he devotes his life to God..whatever....

I for once thought that, maybe he did not understand himself enough or he cud not handle human relationships or just did not care.A very very practical attitude to life,i appreciate it,its good only if you are not on the receiving end.People like him fail to understand that they have to learn to handle emotions also,theirs as well as of the people close to them.That's what makes humans social animals.I guess,some people will learn only if they go through it and others will not learn even if they have been through it before...sad..

3.Life goes on

Next day...I walked into the class..saw a seat next to him,went and sat there.We had a class test that day.It was pretty tough one.It was pretty ok for him too.Life went on...We werent good friends but we were cordial.
Sometimes I got a good place to sit sometimes I did not.But it was nice....He seemed really nice,a good human being most importantly.He was serious about education...seemed pretty disclipined..ok overall.But he also seemed a little distant,emotionless(dont know why i felt so!!) and detached.It was a little weird but he seemed to be oscillating between what he should do and what he really wants to do.

It was like a mystery...sometimes friendly,sometimes shy in public,sometimes stupid sometimes...dont know what.

Well after our midterms I contacted him again.He was really nice..he told me about this trek he went to.Told me how much fun he had and how he cud not contact me before as he was busy.
Nice reason, i thought, very propah...but am not buyin it.I mean so wat I have a crush and he doesnt...these things happen..why so awkward.Its not like I proposed or somethin..hahaha...stupid...

2.Seen and shocked

There I was...looking at him..cudnt believe was sitting next to him.We talked about the chapter,the topic...discussed answers.It was surreal.I would not say I was in love...no way...but...there was something...something different.

"kahin to hai nasha teri meri har mulaqat mein..."!!!..well..ahem..coming back to earth..hehe..

I thoroughly enjoyed that lecture.I paid full attention to the topic..miraculously,it didnt take off my attention from my studies!!

The lecture ended...we began packing our books,i put my stuff in the bag,my pens,pencils,books et al...zipped it up and he was lookin at me.He asked me my name,told me his.We exchanged good byes.It was nice :)

1.Heard not seen

Like another year of academics this started on a fresh note..new books,new class,new environment and meeting friends i missed during vacation.Except ,I didnt know what was to happen...hehe..destiny has weird ways.

The first day was uneventful,got the first bench,met a nice new benchpartner.She was very sweet and nice.Lectures were uneventful.I answered some questions,mostly right ;).The bell rang and we dispersed.There were some new faces in the class....no one noticeable though...had i known before...life was kidding me..

Well,I expected the next day to be the same..had to get my books , timetable and extra classes in order,Phew!! felt like a burnout just on reaching class.Got the first bench..yeah seems weird but i love to sit there.There was a new teacher today.New subject too.We got the explanations.She asked questions....I put up my hand , so did many others.The teacher pointed to someone in the back rows.He answered...that was the most amazing voice I ever heard.It was like music to which i wanted to dance...the perfect symphony.

I tried to locate the source,to no avail...i craned my neck again ...no use.Thought maybe he will answer again.As I predicted he didnt.Well I thought "will catch u tomorrow..same time ..same place.

Next day I happened to be a little late...the first benches were occupied.So with this frown on my face...I went to look for a seat in the back rows.All places were almost full.Someone was sitting with his bag next to him...I asked him if anyone was sitting there.He nodded a no...kept his bag on the floor and gestured me to sit there.

I sat there with utmost frustration.Kept looking ahead for someone to get up.Well,the lecture started.The explanation went on for some time...then came the questions....

The teacher asked the first question...I put my hand up.She pointed to my bench,but not to me.He answered....same voice...correct answer....I flipped.